Well friends and neighbors, gauging from the amount of interest my other two posts on suspenders, Larry King, and geezerhood have stimulated, the Curmudgeonly Professor feels compelled to provide this brief update. Apparently I have zeroed in on one of the major crises in the world. All over the world men are going around pulling their pants up, shortening their belt two notches too tight to force their stomachs out over the top, and wasting several hours a day. Women, too, are concerned because they earnestly hope their loved one, or at least their attached one, will not stoop over and embarrass everyone (actually, no pun intended, oh well) within sight. Besides, they are sick and tired of harassing (Why does the word embarrass have two r's and the word harass have only
one r ? Who made up these spelling rules, anyways?, as we say here in Utah) their soul-mates to buy suspenders, wear suspenders, and quit being a nuisance pulling up their stupid pants.
It's a matter of vanity, ladies. Ours, not yours. We don't want to admit that we have advanced to the point that we have to have suspenders to hold our pants up. Why in blazes didn't we ever need them during our younger years? I have learned a great deal about suspenders during the interim period as the Curmudgeonly Professor wishes to be fully informed before blathering on the internet. Heretofore, I have been limited to the one or two styles of suspenders offered by the typical local department store like Kohl's or J. C. Penney's. I can testify beyond doubt these do not work. They snap off. But wait! The internet reveals that we have the Holdup Suspender Co. which avows that an
Amazing solution to one of Man's oldest problems has finally been found! Holdup Suspender Co. has the cure for frustrated suspender wearers all over the world who are tired of suspender clips that keep slipping off their pants. Our Patented no-slip clip is guaranteed to never slip-slide or pop off your pants.
I checked to see who the local supplier of this wondrous invention is, and guess what, folks, the supplier is none other than Ace Hardware! Ace truly is the place, but I can't remember if John Madden wears suspenders or not. My wife says we must move post-haste down to Ace to see what we can find. Then I have to decide how often to wear them and how often to just tough it out. I have horrible visions of men going around with their suspenders dangling to their knees, which is clearly more egregious than not wearing them at all. If I can peacefully solve the suspender and pants problem, then I can chalk off one of my needed areas of self-improvement on my twelve-point, more or less, list. But I don't know if I can stand trying to fix two areas of needed improvement in one year. Unless I quit my blog, by popular request, I'll keep you posted. Success stories, or otherwise suspender horror stories, are welcome. This major global problem is far from solved and we must be ever vigilant. By the way, you could also check SuspenderStore.com, which touts 300 kinds of suspenders. Imagine. They even have infant suspenders. To keep baby's diaper up, or what? Life is full of continual amazement.