One would think that the twenty four hours in a day, or the seven days in a week, or the thirty or so days in a month, would move by at the same speed for everyone. Not so. Time moves infinitely faster for geezers. For example, Tuesday night is garbage night. Every Tuesday night absolutely seems like only mere minutes away from the previous Tuesday night when the garbage was collected. Today is Friday, and it seems incomprehensible that 3/7 of the time until the next garbage night has already elapsed. What is going on here? If it weren't for Home Owner Association rules, I would just leave our garbage can out in the street to save the trouble of pushing it out there merely five minutes or so in warp geezer time speed from the last time I pushed it out.
The same goes for other routine matters. I seem to unload the dishwasher every few minutes throughout the week, even though a couple of days may have gone by on the calendar. Or showering and shaving. I'm not kidding, every time I get in the shower I swear I was just in there a few moments before and that I'm using up horrendous quantities of shaving cream in shaving so frequently. Of course, some geezers choose not to shower and shave as a water conservation measure, but thus precipitating an environmental air quality disaster.
Leno's Monday night Headlines seem to come up every few hours, not once a week. Our family reunion was over the weekend of July 4th and I still think it was just last week. My morning pills seem to come every ten minutes, not every twenty-four hours. Bed time wouldn't seem to be such a nuisance if I hadn't just gone to bed what seems like only an hour before.
The only slow parts of my life are associated with my to-do list. I use my to-do list, made out by my wife, as a means to prioritize and organize my life according to how important each of the items are. Take our broken doorbell, for example. The doorbell was pushed in and broken by some clever person. I did go to Lowe's and buy a new push button and installed it, really. But the doorbell still didn't work. Obviously, a new bell ringer part was needed. That would mean going to the store again and then installing it. So several months went by. My wife put a tape over the outside doorbell so people would stop thinking we weren't at home. I told her I was seriously considering getting a new battery-operated doorbell and installing it. So last week our son was here from California to bring his son to school and attend the football game. So my wife asked him if he would fix it. So he did. That is the efficient way to get stuff fixed. My home handyman IQ is negative.
I still have other to-do items. Like clean up my den. But shortly the snow will fall and we will have to pull up stakes and head for the sunshine in St. George. So what is the point of cleaning it up? As long as I can get at my computer and untangle the acres of wires on my desktop and take a nap in my recliner chair, everything is A O.K.
Going to the dentist is another matter. I just returned from a visit. I need three fillings, a root canal, an extraction, and an implant. I need time to move quickly for all that misery, to get it over with. I just spent all kinds of time in dental offices and no one found all that stuff until this morning.
Other things take a long time and move slowly. Like bearing grudges. I am still hacked at some things that happened in grade school. Church moves s-l-o-w-l-y some Sundays, and could stand to be speeded up a bit.
But generally speaking, geezer time moves at a horrendous rate of speed, hardly giving us a chance to figure out what is going on. Maybe this speed has something to do with keeping us busy and filtering out things we don't want to waste our time thinking about. If you don't believe me wait until you have reached geezerhood. You'll know when you get there. No one will have to tell you. Don't forget to take out the garbage. Tuesday night is here again.
