Well, sports fans and fellow raving BYU-Utah maniacs, the Day approacheth, so, being a BYU fan, requireth religious and scriptural language, like adding "eth" to words so we can communicate in Biblical terms. I am sad to report that the Vegas line has gone up steadily from 6, to 6 1/2, and now to 7, and I presume the folks who sit around with green eye shades watching the betting odds are just now getting their juices stoked and ready to pump the number up even higher, maybe even to 10 or so. Plus, I am also sad to report that KUTV, Salt Lake Channel 2, Sports reporters have disrespected the Cougars and have all unanimously pronounced Utah the winner of Saturday's religious battle. You can read the entire history of the Utah-BYU rivalry at this link, which will keep you busy for a few moments.
What this means, sports fans, is that we may not even want to watch the game on Saturday, since the gurus with prescient and divine wisdom have already pronounced the winner, sending the BYU Cougars home to Sunday School on Sunday in a terribly dark mood and distinctly irreverant and un-churchlike and vengeful attitude and refusing to speak to the Ute fans in their congregation who will, we can safely predict, greet their Cougar brethren with stuff like, "Hey Jared or Nephi, how about them Utes?" Or, good morning brother (Smith, Covey, Hinckley, or Benson), "Didn't those mighty Utes paste one on those undeserving Cougars who unrighteously and nefariously (strike nefariously, that's a big word for a Ute to use) pulled last year's game out of the fire on a totally and completely undeserved and sneaky last second piece of ridiculous luck?" And stuff like that. And, as a rule, neither a Ute nor a Cougar should be called upon to pray on Sunday. Better to find a woman who hates watching sports to perform the invocations and benedictions. Meanwhile, my sister Ann says she will go to Costco during the game since the store will be empty.
On the other hand, should the more righteous, more deserving, Cougars, with their short hair cuts and well behaved demeanor in the post Jim McMahon era actually defy the odds, challenge the Vegas line, humiliate the Channel 2 sports know-it-alls, and win the game, which is only just, right, and fair, then the Cougar brethren should all be called upon to pray, teach Sunday School, choose the hymns, and lead the singing. Lessons can be given on how the righteous overcome persecution and unfair condemnations to defeat and how, by thinking positively and applying all Seven Habits of Successful Persons ala Steve Covey plus stringent attention to Coach Mendenhall's "Fully Invested" philosophy, the blue-clad, clean cut, men of Zion prevailed. If the Cougars win, the opening hymn should be "Scatter sunshine all along your way," whereas if they lose, they will be singing mournfully "Though deepening trials come your way." If they lose, one can conjecture that Coach will run the team up Y mountain once more to the Big White Y to let them look out over the valley and ponder the disaster which they have just experienced. The rest of us will merely cry, whine, and remind ourselves but definitely not believe it that "it's only a game." Ha! In your dreams!
