We are told that the sound of silence in LA County comes from 10 million people not swearing as the LA County Board of Supervisors did or was about to designate the first week of March as No Cussing Week. The Curmudgeonly Professor rates this event right up there with other significant March happenings such as Ceasar saying "et tu" to Brutus during the Ides of March and serving corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick's Day.
While the Curmudgeonly Professor certainly supports cleanliness of language, he is known to have slipped a mild expletive here and there as the need arose. But he does have a few questions and concerns about the operative conditions of this decree, as follows:
- What exactly is cussing? If we can't say d--- and h---, can we say darn and heck?
- In Utah, if we had a similar decree, is the favored expression "Oh my heck" swearing?
- What do we say when we see morons and idiots driving on the streets and highways? Is it o.k. to say "you moron" as long as we leave out the "you blankety-blank *#@& moron?"
- Or if we stub our toe and it really, really, really hurts, and we have a reflex action which causes us to say exactly the same thing as an automatic reflex that we have said since we first learned to talk, will we get demerits?
- Can you cuss in private, or is it just public cussing we are concerned about?
- What is the fine for cussing? Who are the cussing police?
- Will all movies and television programs that employ undesirable language be closed down for a week so our tender ears are not polluted with undesirable language and cussing words?
- What if you are a dairyman and must milk cows for a living? Do you get a special dispensation?
- Or what if you try to load a bunch of hogs, what should you tell them? Please, piggy, piggy, move your hams up the chute and get ready to ride to the slaughter house? Thank you. Have you ever tried to load pigs?
- And what will you do if you see your most detested TV ad, talk show bloviator, news anchor, or opposing athletic team? What will you say? Have a nice day?
- And here are some other instances of concern:
- (a) you can't find the TV remote.
- (b) you are parched and the kitchen is a half block away.
- (c) McDonald's forgot to put ketchup on your cholesterol triple burger.
- (d) Your shoe lace breaks and you don't have another one.
- (e) The seat of your pants splits out when you stoop over as mine did yesterday.
- (f) You spill something all over your clean shirt, blouse, carpet, or whatever.
- (g) You're wife, or husband, lost your glasses and you can't find them.
- (h) You wake up in the night and have to go to the bathroom.
- (i) You have no friends on FaceBook.
- (j) Your neighbor's dog does it's business each day on your front lawn.
- (k) Your neighbors are having a loud and raucous party and ignore your phone calls to keep quiet and you have to call the police.
- (l) You are out of money and you find out at the ATM that your debit or bank card expired last month and you need bus fare to get home.
- (m) You have spent an hour gathering the best bargains at the grocery store in two carts and the checker has rung up your $200 order and you discover your credit card was left at home and your cell phone is dead.
- (n) You discover that you have seen the episode of Matlock that is on today ten times before and you hate this episode anyway.
- (o) Pierce Brosnan begins warbling in "Mama Mia."
- (p) You discover you are one point short in getting an A and your B grade may jeopardize your application to medical school.
- (q) Your computer crashes, it is 1:00 a.m., and your spread sheet, or term paper, or whatever is due at 8:00 a.m. and your life, job, career depends on delivering your completed project.
- (r) You see the photo opportunity of a lifetime and discover your battery is dead.
- (s) You are about to run out of gas, you are ten minutes late to an important appointment, there are no gas stations in sight, and you have no cash.
- (t) You forget your wife's birthday, your wedding anniversary, mother's day, or that you were supposed to be home early to go out to dinner.
