The Professor has been reluctant to bring up a topic that, ahem, is a tad indelicate, but which must, in the interests of securing happy marital circumstances be broached, even for those of tender sensitivies. The rule is simple, men: Do not make bodily noises. You rude ignorant slobs know whereof I speak. This topic is one, I know, that generates a great deal of male pride and is a topic of frequent masculine conversations and tee-heeing. However, if you want to have a happy marriage, it is now time to behave yourselves and control yourselves. You have probably already influenced your children for the worse in these regards, so to speak.
After all, men, when you were courting your little girl-bride, and trying to impress her and avoid offending her mother, did you perform such egregious acts? No, no, not in a thousand hours of courtship, no matter how difficult the situation became. How long after your marriage did you begin such offensive behavior, explainiing that even in the presence of the Queen of England you would have had to gracefully acknowledge that you had a slight problem?
You may not want to stop all at once, since that could cause suspicion. But you might consider a twelve-step phase out program, ending up a totally reformed man, who vows never to make another bodily noise again. You can no longer blame it on the dog, or the beans, or on someone else who committed this sin first. You are totally responsible for your own actions. Your spousal unit will be much less likely to send you out of the house and down to the pool hall if you behave yourself in polite society. She is probably wondering why she ever married such an uncouth, rude, ignoramus in the first place. Now she will be proud of you and your marriage may last years longer. The Curmudgeonly Professor is always happy to be of service in the interests of happier marital circumstances. Have a nice day.
