Men, before you rip open a cereal box before checking to see which side is up, thereby ripping the box, and leaving the box vulnerable to having all the cereal come out the end you ripped open when the box is set right side up, here are a few pointers:
- Remember, you are not a moron. You can master this situation.
- Look to see which way the writing and illustrations printed on the box are headed. Place the cereal box in the up direction when you see "Wheaties" right-side up, not downside down.
- Now study the top of the box. Usually it will say to open box, pull the one side up. Cereal makers never say, however, how to do this. Try sticking fingers under each side of the tab in the center and slide under glued lid to see if will open. Usually, this trick does not work. Too much glue makes the top tear. If you still have no success, use a sharp butcher knife. If the butcher knife does not work, get out a chain saw.
- Ignore spousal unit questioning how you are doing and telling you she knows how to do it and why didn't you let her do it before you wrecked the stupid box.
- When box is either neatly opened, a rare occurrence, or ripped open, attempt to open the waxy paper liner that actually contains the cereal. Note that said waxy paper container is only about 2/3 as high as the box it came in.
- Grasp both sides of waxy paper container and pull a small corner apart. Failing that maneuver, pull both sides totally apart, exposing the entire container of cereal.
- Pour cereal into cereal bowl. If you have ripped up the box and the paper liner, cereal will inevitably flow outside the bowl onto the counter and the floor.
- Study nutritional information on cereal box while consuming. Note high sugar content, high sodium content, low fiber content, low nutritional value. Unless you are consuming 13 grams of fiber per bowlful from a healthy cereal brand.
- When finished, place tab on top of box into little slit on other half of box top. Slit usually needs to be pried apart before sticking tab into it. Be careful no to rip the tab slot, because you have nothing to secure the box top. Oh yes, and be sure to wrap the waxy paper container up tight before you affix the tab on the box top. If you live in a humid climate, your cereal will be soggy within hours unless you place in air-tight container anyway. Now, men, if you have ripped the first side of the box top into three or four tattered pieces, and if you have enlarged the slit on the other side in which said slot the other side of the box lid is supposed to neatly fit, thus securing box for next consumer, ignore instructions on box top.
- Stick mangled box in pantry. Ignore complaints from spousal unit who will likely inspect said box as soon as you stick in pantry to commentate on what a worthless no-good slob you are, despite having a Ph.D. or an engineering degree, you do not have brains enough to see which side of the cereal box is up, or how to open it in even your limited intelligence and lack of manual dexterity. Ignore comments. Say, "yes, dear" or some other words of loving endearment.
- If not retired, go immediately to office or Quick-Lube job to avoid further criticisms. If at an office, read emails and post on Facebook, Twitter, and Myspace. Then check old car prices on eBay. Then go to 10:00 a.m. break. Do not call dear one until late afternoon, when things have calmed down a bit.
- Next time, you moron, ask your spousal unit to open cereal box. Since you wrecked current cereal box, spilled half of it on the floor, and left the remainder to get soggy, buy new $5 box of nutritionally unsound sugared cereal (sugared tastes a lot better). Admit you are a hopeless incompetent. Praise spousal unit for superior dexterity and ability. Study neatly opened top on the Up side and see how easily spousal unit opened box.
- Switch to eggs instead. Eggs don't kill you any more, so enjoy. Can you break an egg?
