The Curmudgeonly Professor has decided to launch forth into the self-help field. After noting that Steve Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Successful People still haunts the best seller lists after many years since publishing, I realize that I have missed the boat and should have climbed onto the self-help bandwagon eons ago. Covey's book has presumably inspired many people to arise from their posteriors, be proactive, do stuff, get with the program, and accomplish all manner of good stuff. Many people are probably also listening simultaneously to Tony Robbins and Wayne Dyer. One of my neighbors a few years ago told me that the best thing about being retired is that he no longer had to listen to those blankety-blank motivation and self-help tapes any longer.
I thought I would aim my first foray into the self-help field by concentrating on what I do best; viz., help people become chronically messy and disorganized. I would expect that, over time, I could write a book on the topic that would end up on the NYTimes best seller lists, appear on Costco and Walmart book tables and shelves in big piles, provide fodder for discussion groups, provide required reading for the newly married, furnish an inspirational present for teenage slobs, and establish new standards for new employees.
First, let me establish my credentials in this field. I have been messy all my life. I have been disorganized all my life. I have embarked on countless self-help programs and twelve-step recovery programs to attempt to overcome my sloppiness, slovenliness, surliness, and general messiness. But to no avail. Now that I am elderly, I figure, what the heck, I won't have to worry about it when I'm gone. Every once in awhile I go on a binge and clean up stuff. My binge usually lasts two or three minutes and then I tire rapidly, develop a headache, and find enough stuff that has been missing for months to keep me occupied for another few days.
To cut to the chase, so to speak, and at no charge to you, here are my Five Critical Habits of Slobs: As soon as this little blog post takes off exponentially, I will have to charge for this information, so take advantage of it while you have a chance. But wait! There's more! More enlightenment will follow!
- Never put stuff away. By having stuff handy, you will save time wondering where you might have put it if you had actually put it some place you would never remember anyway.
- Pile stuff up in piles. Don't worry about how high the piles are. Once stuff is in a pile, you will know that you never did throw away that important overdue book bill or book club reminder warning you to stop ignoring the "do not send" checkboxes on their periodic mailings.
- If you run out of space on your desk, use the floor. There is usually a lot of floor space available. You might at least do a preliminary sort to have, say, books in piles in one area, old newspapers in another area, and dirty clothes and socks somewhere else.
- Never file stuff. Filed stuff gets outdated soon anyway and will soon have to be sorted out and thrown away, just making more work and tiring you out when you could have been Twittering, Tweeting, Facbooking, MySpacing, blogging, texting, playing on your iPhone, iPad, Nano, Nook, Kindle, or doing a myraid of other constructive things. Actually, if you want to end book clutter, just buy the new super-duper Kindle and store thousands of books.
- Actually, random dispersal of stuff works best, usually, because you increase the odds that you will quickly, with two or three hours or two or three days actually find what it is that you are looking for.
So, dear blog readers, that's all there is to it, to lard a sentence with indefinite antecedents. Remember, some of the most famous people on earth have been messy. 97% of all teenagers are slobs. Husbands are famous for strewing cast off items of clothing in a random path. When your home gets too messy to work in any more, go to the office. You won't have to clean your office until you either die, in which case you won't have to clean it anyway, or retire. And besides, your spousal unit (i.e., wife) won't be around to commentate on the miserable mess you live in. But why take time away from stimulating your creative juices to create new companies, float new IPOs, invent new social networking empires, and the like by wasting time sorting through your stuff? Food for thought.