The Curmudgeonly Professor is allergic to romance novels, as such. However, he has had recent occasion to become acquainted with the generic plots and structures of romance novels. The reason for this new-found information is Kindle, which tends to offer most of its free books in the romance and Christian lit genres. He has also read dozens of plots in Kindle book reviews, looking for something more like Economics for Dull People. But to help you get started, here are the basics:
1. Start with a twenty-something or early thirties-something young woman.
- Said woman is beautiful.
- Said woman has just been divorced, widowed, abused, become financially distressed, become unemployed, become discouraged with being a Madison avenue advertising executive making six figures, had an epiphany that her life needs to change, is tired of the city, is tired of wherever she lives, has been deprived of romance, is bitter toward men, is bitter toward life, or has a Ph.D. in economics.
- Our gorgeous thirty-something female has just: (a) recieved notice that her unbeknown (uncle, auntie, grannie, grampa, sister, brother, former lover) has croaked and the executor has requested that said gorgeous female show up in (the hills of South Carolina, the back country of Georgia, or the mountains of Wyoming) to be present for the reading of the will.
- Our heroine gives one days notice to her perplexed and bewildered boss on the 35th floor of her office building, boxes up her treasures, climbs in her Mercedes convertible, and hits the road.
- Upon arriving in her home town (pop. 2,222), she immediately runs into Mabel, who did her out of being homecoming queen a few years ago, the school's star athlete who is now tending bar at the local pub, and Matilda, who tells our heroine that she now has eight kids and is divorced. All of her acquaintances are suspicious of our heroine just showing up in a Mercedes convertible like she was too proud to come back home for the past 12 years.
- Upon reporting to the lawyer's office for the reading of the will, she worries that she has inherited (a) 25 cats and a case of cat food, (b) a big old run-down Victorian house that is run down and is said by the locals to be haunted with ghosts, (c) a road-side cafe that specializes in fried catfish, (d) a Wyoming cattle ranch spread complete with cows, horses, and handsome and available cowpunchers (cowpunchers are on Wyoming ranches, not cowboys), (e) $10 million in Civil War bearer bonds, (f) a box of Harlequin Romances.
- Learning that she has inherited the haunted house plus a few extra zillion bucks, our thirty-something opts to live in the haunted house, having visions of fixing it up to its original Victorian splendor as she becomes acquainted with the ghosts, since she had megabucks when she got to town anyway.
- Turns out that an eligible, handsome but unshaven and a tad unkempt man lives (a) next door, or (b) just across the street. Said bachelor is possibly widowered, never married, three months out of a defunct relationship with a predatory woman, a refugee from Wall Street, broke, rich, despondent about life, a woman hater.
- Said bachelor is not happy to have his tranquility disturbed with a nosy and snooty woman moving in (a) next door or (b) across the street.
- Our thirty-something knocks on the bachelor's door and asks to borrow a paint brush, a cup of sugar, a cup of coffee, or a pound of nails.
- Sparks fly as the two gaze into each others eyes, each having immediate and eternal visions of restored lost love, retribution for past mistakes, etc. But life goes on as if nothing had happened for another ten or twelve chapters.
- Meanwhile, our gorgeous and innocent heroine is about to unearth a here-to-fore hidden tragic secret that is about to destroy (a) the town, (b) her life, (c) endanger her with unknown and immeasurable fears, risks, and troubles.
- Said bachelor knocks on the heroine's door and asks her to turn her TV down as he can't hear himself think. More hidden and unspoken sparks fly.
- By chapter 32, the bachelor is helping the heroine paint, wallpaper, rewire, replumb, rebuild, and gussy up her defunct Victorian house, which here-to-fore had only a coal furnace and primitive bathrooms. By chapter 33, they inadvertantly bump into one another and lips almost touch.
- Gasping for air, the heroine retreats, out of breath, heart palpitating, and realizes what she has just done.
- You can pretty well guess the rest of it. The horrible awful secret is unleashed. It turns out that Uncle Herschel had a mistress with seven children who were all making claims on her inheritance. Furthermore, a mysterious gene that could have wiped out the whole town has been isolated and destroyed. An embezzler at the hardware store has been unembezzled and packed off to the county hoosegow.
- The thirty-something decides to stay in Wherever, South Carolina, and run a beauty parlor.
- Wedding bells ring and the bachelor, who is an unemployed free lance something-or-other, but who seems to have an unlimited bank account and is sick of fixing his own meals, moves into the Victorian mansion.
- Kindle is now ready to offer your romantic epic for the price of $0.00. Congratulations.
