The Curmudgeonly Professor

Don't Send Your Husband to the Grocery Store

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=-YFRUSTiFUs#t=65

My sister Liz forwarded the UTube clip by Jeanne Robertson titled "Don't Send Your Husband to the Grocery Store."  I haven't laughed so hard since the Jazz beat the Lakers.  I tried to put a live link on here but the best I could do was copy and paste the link.  So copy and paste in your browser and I hope it will work.

The reason this post was so funny is that it could very well have been about my wife and me.  She is always sending me in the store for one or two items and I come out with sacks full.  Like Jeanne's husband, I have four college degrees including a doctorate and I, too, can never qualify for the express lane.  The last time I was sent in to get her pills at the pharmacy and was gone just a bit longer.  I explained to my friend the checker lady that I was sent in for one thing and asked her if she thought the box of chocolates I bought, plus the bag of easter egg candies, plus the carton of guava drink, plus two dozen eggs, plus two cartons of Dreyer's ice cream, plus a bag of frosted animal cookies (her favorite), plus some deli potato salad, and perhaps a couple of other things, would compensate for my keeping her waiting a tad longer.  Like a half hour.  Total: $32.89.  

The last time I was sent to the grocery store I bought her a bouquet of flowers for $3.99 plus a heart-shaped box of valentine candy the day after Valentine's day for half price along with about $40 of other necessities of life.  The checkout lady sort of implied I was a cheapskate to wait until after Valentine's Day.  My wife's idea is that you shop from a list.  My idea is that one never knows what one needs in the grocery store until one sees what one needs.  Usually on the "sucker" end caps near the checkout counter where the $1.89 potato chips and the $2.39 chocolate chip cookies cannot be missed.

But then the only thing worse than going to the grocery store by one's self, being a doctor of philosophy and all, is going with one's wife.  One's wife tends to put the kibosh on all the impulse buying, buy three or four items on the list, head for the exit.  What fun is that?  How does such skimpy buying benefit the economy?  I need to figure out how to speed things up a bit when sent by myself.  The last time I was sent in for one thing, I came out with a small bag.  "What is in the bag?" she asked. "The one thing I was sent for" I said.  She went into shock.  I can't guarantee that will ever happen again.

Dear Curmudgeonly Professor: It's July 1, and I have Made Zero Progress on my 2010 NYears' Resolutions. What Went Wrong? Sincerely, Heber in Chugwater

Dear Heber in Chugwater:

I'm delighted to hear from my fans in Chugwater WY.  As you know, for 30 years or more I used a mythical company called the Chugwater Tool and Die Co. to illustrate all of the fine principles of economics that so excited students, like marginal cost, average cost, total cost, profit and loss maximization, and the rest.  One student told me when he came back to school in Provo from Chicago IL that he actually drove north of Cheyenne WY to find Chugwater to see what the big deal was all about even though he claimed he already knew the company was a big fat myth.  Goes to show you the power of superior teaching.

First of all, Heber, relax.  You are no worse off than 99% of other makers of New Year's Resolutions, none of whom paid any attention to them after the third day of January or, in some cases, the second of January.  New Year's Resolutions are like death bed repentance:  On New Year's Day we realize what a big fat worthless slob we are.  We feel guilty for hogging it in since Thanksgiving 20 or 30 years ago.  We know that our mortality is threatened by our profligate way of indulgence.  So weighed down with all of these traumatic worries and concerns, we vow that this year, this time, this day, is the first day of the rest of our lives and we are now embarking, once and for all, for the final and most successful time, to overcome all of our bad habits, stop using four letter words when the TV commercials come on, throw our dirty clothes in the hamper, clean out the garage, and cut down on the time we spend watching TV sports.  Etc.   Similarly, if we think we are going to die, we read the Bible from cover to cover, beg our spouse to forgive us for being such a jerk, make a list of our sins and imperfections we are now, immediately, overcoming.  Then, check in a week later.  We either did or did not die.  If we died, then there's nothing more to worry about.  We've aready checked in at the Pearly Gates.  But if we're feeling well and up and at it, like the bed-ridden old man who hopped out of bed and ran down the street in the John Wayne movie "The Quiet Man," then we think "Maybe it doesn't matter so much whether I repent right now of all of my shortcomings.  Maybe I can take a little while longer."

So, Heber, to start with you can start by repeating the same mantra I recite each day: "Every day in every way I am getting better and better."  My wife, of course, pays no attention to this recitation having realized it is just so much hot air.  Or you can follow the maxim my son states to his wife daily: "Plan your work and then work your plan."  My daughter in law loves to hear this admonition and faithfully follows it to the letter.

Meanwhile, plan ahead six months until next January 1.  Make a list of one thing you actually, truly, really, no fooling around about, intend to do that will make your life better.  Then do it.  If you can accomplish this, you will have done more than you have accomplished in making New Year's Resolutions the past 30 years.

If I can be of further assistance, do not hesitate to write me.  I have an infinite supply of both wisdom and of unkept New Year's Resolutions of my own.

The Curmudgeonly Professor

Sports Rivalries: Those Hated Enemies

My adventures in hating the LA Lakers made me think yesterday about my personal history of sports rivalries and hated enemies.  In high school at Powell Wyoming, the Cody Broncs from Cody WY, 24 miles away, were the enemy.  They wore weird uniforms and we couldn't stand them.  We were all shocked when a few marriages occurred between graduates of Cody High School and Powell High School.  The Lovell Bulldogs, 24 miles to the east, were not spared hard feelings from the mighty Powell Panthers, either.  Trouble is, I don't think Powell won a whole batch of games my last couple of years of high school.

Then, off to the University of Wyoming.  Colorado A & M was the evil enemy, later to become Colorado State University.  The two Utah schools, BYU, and the University of Utah, were despicable enemies, with appropriate songs expressing displeasure with these schools sung on relevant occasions.  Those little well-scrubbed Mormon boys just seemed too, too righteous for their own good.  Don't send your boy to Utah, my dying mother said, we lustily sang. Besides, they (the Utah schools)  tended to beat the Wyoming Cowboys more often than was acceptable to remain free of animosity..  Wyoming and A & M games were well regarded for quantities of liquor consumption at the games in days of yore, restricted more effectively in later years, with vulgar four letter chants substituted for not being able to haul gallons of booze into the stadiums.  One year, a Colorado State fraternity hijacked the trailer carrying the Wyoming mascot, a Shetland pony named Cowboy Joe, and stole the chaps and other paraphernalia before allowing the trailer to continue the 65 mile journey from Fort Collins to Laramie

Next stop, Montana State.  We heard a lot about the Golden Bobcats, the legendary Montana State basketball team, one member of which was one of my PE teachers at the U of Wyoming.  I was only there for a year, however, to get a Master's degree, and didn't have time to learn to hate any opposing teams.

Then where should I end up but in the camp of the enemy.  At the age of 22, I was now an instructor of economics at Colorado A & M and was privy to the loving feelings toward the University of Wyoming from south of the Wyoming border.  Plus, I learned to disparage those neanderthal Buffaloes who thought being from Boulder was such hot stuff.

Off to the University of Michigan.  Oh boy was that fun. I had student seats in the Michigan Stadium on the 98th row of the end zone.  Mention Ohio State, and you were mentioning the Evil Enemy.  Would you send your son or daughter off to Columbus OH if you lived in Ann Arbor?  Not if you could help it.  Michigan State wasn't all that loved, but, in those days, the dislike was much more benign.  I saw someone wearing a U of M sweatshirt a couple of months ago and asked them how they felt about Ohio State.  The answer I got was instructive and supportive of the basic education I received during three years in Ann Arbor.

Penn State was next on my college tour for a couple of years on the faculty.  Penn State hadn't yet entered the big time then, and was still playing teams like Temple and local PA colleges.  It was hard to work up any ill feelings toward any of these opponents. 

Back to Wyoming for nine years on the faculty.  I honed my hatred for BYU, Utah, and Colorado State.  New Mexico and San Diego State and UTEP, et. al., were too far away, but one could work up a head of steam over them. Coach LaVell Edwards of BYU once said "I would rather lose and live in Provo than win and live in Laramie," a taunt that resurfaces each year just in time

Then, wouldn't you know it, I abandoned the blizzards of Laramie for the balmier climate of Fort Collins and went back to CSU for seven years.  Now Wyoming was the enemy once more.  But wait, there's more, as they say on the infomercials at 3:00 a.m. when you sucker into buying an atomic powered potato peeler for three payments of $39.99 each.  BYU, a school where I had definitively turned down two previous offers, wanted me to come.  I turned them down once, they appealed to my sensitive nature, and I ended up going there.  Now, I could see first-hand how Utah people felt about each other.  But, boys and girls, no rivalry I had yet encountered, not Wyoming-BYU, not Wyoming-CSU, not Michigan-Ohio State--none of these or any others could match the seething venom and generational hatred between BYU and Utah. .

But Utah-BYU is known as the "holy war," the battle between the holy Mormons of Provo and the infidels of Utah, wearers of the despicable and evil red uniforms, with a mascot that looks like a chicken after they had to discard their Ute Indian for PCness.  No matter that a couple dozen or more members of the Ute football team are returned Mormon missionaries, just like much of the makeup of the BYU team.  Every year, the chestnuts reappear, among the most famous being Lenny Gomes immortal statement to the Ute bench "You'll be pumping my gas."

Then the pro teams.  During the Michigan years, Tiger fans.  My boys still remember and talk about each and every minute detail of the one Tigers game I was able to take them to while a grad student in Ann Arbor.  Colorado meant being fanatical Bronco and Nuggets fans.  But nothing matches the intense loyalty of Utah Jazz fans, and their enduring and vitriolic hatred of all things Lakers, and to an only slightly lesser extent, all shreds of Nuggetism.  Utah Jazz fans still believe Michael Jordan cheated them out of the NBA championship with his famous non-call shoving foul of Bryon Russell which should definitely have allowed two free throws for the Jazz.

But then, in the final analysis, we probably should find better things to do than act like little boys (and girls) on the playground, engaging in knock down fist fights over whose Dad's car was better, Ford or Chevrolet.   And we really shouldn't have been singing "Cigarettes, cigarettes, butts butts butts, who likes Lovell, nuts, nuts, nuts."  Now I don't know if I can stand watching any more of the Celtics-Lakers finals because I throw up every time I see a certain Laker strut down the floor acting like a Boeing 747.  And it's three months before college football starts when the venom will begin flowing once more along I-15 on the short drive from U Hill to BYU in Provo.  And life will take on a new meaning.  And parents whose Ute daughter married a BYU returned missionary will have to explain once more how such a thing could have happened.  Rah, Rah, Rah.

Apparently Mary Worth is Hilarious. Who Knew.

The Curmudgeonly Professor's Sunday denigration of the ancient Mary Worth comic strip brought out another response from the blogger who seriously maintains that Mary Worth is hilarious.  To see his point, go here and discover why he thinks Mary Worth is hilarious.
  You may want to bookmark it.  His version is a tad funny, but only after you doctor up the original a bit.

Evaluation of the Sunday Funnies

As the Curmudgeonly Professor has written before, the Sunday funnies, known to sophisticates as comics, used to be a big deal.  Funnies were outstanding.  We eagerly perused the weekly Sunday strips of Orphan Annie, Dick Tracy, Prince Valiant, L'il Abner, Snuffy Smith and Barney Google, and others.  Now we just shuffle through and pick a few that usually are worth looking at and skip the vast majority of them as inane, amateurish, and far from funny or even thoughtful.

Today I decided to review the Sunday funnies in their entirety and read each and every comic strip in the Sunday Funnies provided by the Salt Lake daily papers.  Here is what I found:

Best of the Sunday Funnies Five Stars:

• Baby Blues, brathood at its most perceptive, often hilarious, with many fridge posts. Today, daddy calls mommy from office while he is piddling away the day at his desk, mommy is running three ring circus, and he asks "So are you busy too?'
• Classic Peanuts, infinite reruns are typically better than anything new.  Snoopy finds sheep to mow the grass around his dog house.
• For Better or Worse, not always a fan, but often right-on.  Today the issue is how do socks get mismated and lost in washer and dryer.  An issue I have dealt with forever.
• Hagar the Horrible. Casting off raiding boat without realizing tide is out.  My role model.

Usual Favorites, Not so Funny Today Four Stars:

• Dilbert, concerned about his raise, is told only "viable livelihood of the future involves cannibalism."  Now less worried about raise.
• Pickles, often hilarious, nails retired and aging issues with deadly aim, just not that funny today as Pickles explains to grandson that stone for skipping in water took eons to make smooth.
• Hi and Lois, cutely drawn, fun to read, Hi glad to be free on 4th of July from "pursuit of Presents."
• Beetle Bailey, not Mort Walker's best today.  Beetle hands bungee cord to Sarge dangling from cliff.
• Blondie, so-so today, Dagwood needs to know capital of South Dakota, Herb misleads, Dagwood misses out on radio quiz show.
• Wizard of Id and B.C., just not that good today.
• Zits, teenage boy dead on, so-so today.

Off-again, on again, some times funny, some times not Three Stars

• Garfield.  Best part of Garfield is intro panel which gets left off in space saving big dailies.
• Family circus.  some times just too-too, some times very clever.
• Sherman's Lagoon.  One of my son's favorites, I rarely find any yuks here.
• Doonesbury, not really a comic, belongs on editorial page.  Iffy, some Sundays a hoot, others, forgettable.

Can't stand, One Star or less:

• Cathy.  Quit reading years ago.  Maybe appeals to females, but I don't know why.

The worst, why are these strips still running?  No stars, thumbs down:

• Rex Morgan, M.D.  I haven't read this for 20 years or more, but started monitoring when letter to the editor warned about degradation of morals from scantily clad females in Rex Morgan so I thought, aha, maybe I should check it out so I could assist as monitor of morals.  Saw two scantily-clad maidens in bikinis, disgusting.
• Mary Worth.  Started out as Apple Annie in 30s as I recall, gradually evolved into sophisticated rich old lady.  Seriously, how many readers does Mary Worth have?  Two?  Three?
• Prince Valiant, used to be a gem, now not worth looking at.

The rest of them I'll leave to you to evaluate.  Some are occasionally cute and have a good line.  Many are just plain miserable.  What bothers me is this:  With hundreds of millions of people don't we have any better creative comics talent in the world than some of the totally mediocre strips that make the funnies each Sunday?  Where are they?

A Reason for Living

For Christmas 2005, I received a daily crossword puzzle calendar.  As of today, I am up to March 15, 2005.  For the Christmas just passed, I received another daily crossword puzzle calendar for 2009.  At the rate I am going, I would have to live to 100 to finish both crossword calendars. Just thinking.

Bring in the New Year With a Chuckle From These Quotes

Simran Khurana of About.com has assembled a number of priceless quotes about New Year's Day, including this one attributed to Anonymous:

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.

For the entire list, go here.