The Curmudgeonly Professor

The Curmudgeonly Professor's Platform When He Runs for Political Office

Other than being elected sophomore class president at Powell High School in Powell WY 100 years ago, the only other elected office I ever sought was when I ran for the school board in Laramie WY and got soundly, severely, defeated.  But just in case I do decide to run for an important political office, here is my well-thought-out platform and array of political promises:

• I will balance the budget.  Boy howdy, this old chestnut has gotten zillions of people elected but has only happened maybe a couple of times and then only because the economy was in an up-cycle and the interim president didn't declare any wars.
• I will throw the bums out of Washington.  Bums being members of the opposite political party.
• No more earmarks.  Line up your sacred cows and shoo them off the streets, they will have to find a new grazing pasture.  But I'll figure out how to get a new bridge for Podunk County some way or other, you can count on it, so you won't have to wade the river any longer to get to work.
• We will pass new ethics legislation to keep corruption out of Washington.  Just like Noah finally found dry land and then when people repopulated the earth, did they all then behave themselves because they didn't get drowned?
• We will have full employment two weeks after the election.
• We will reduce the deficit with a new set of ingenious accounting rules.
• We will cut spending on everyone else's boondoggle pet projects but up the ante on our own more important stuff.
• Free iPads for everyone.
• No more required economics classes. We all know economics is boring with a bunch of charts and graphs and equations and that nobody pays any attention to economists anyway.

This agenda is only the beginning.  Balance the budget, cut spending, stop corruption, stop inflation, jobs for everyone, cut the deficit, better roads, better airports, better police protection, better health care, better schools, filet mignon for everyone.  How can anyone vote against me?   Oh phooey, I just woke up from my long nap and interrupted my euphoric dream . . . .

 

Things to Do Now that the Midterm Election is Over

The Curmudgeonly Professor is a sore loser, he admits it.  He can't stand it when his anointed teams lose football and basketball games or when his candidates that were clearly superior to the losers who won got beat by voters with blinders on.  However, the Professor is now ready to move on, and he offers herewith advice and a list of constructive activities to help his readers reconnect with sanity.

Advice:

• Do not listen to bloviators.  A week's worth of bloviation usually sifts down to a paltry half a teacup of chaff.
• Turn the TV off, except for Matlock and NBA and NFL and NCAA sports.
• Do not read political columnists who also bloviate.
• Accept the fact that not a whole lot is going to happen anyway and, even if something does happen, it will get reversed some time in the next 50 years.
• Ignore people you think should never have gotten elected.  It's called government of the people, and there are no requirements that define "people."  Even you could have been elected, and then where would we be?

Alternative activites to take up your time and salve your emotions:

• Clean out the garage.  Garage cleaning is a purgative (is there such a word?) activity as you get rid of five years' worth of spider webs, dust boulders, junk, expired garden chemicals, broken toys, old computers, and all manner of other detritus.
• Pick up all the books you have left laying (lying? never can remember) around the house.
• Transfer your negative thoughts to the Miami Heat and the Los Angeles Lakers.  Even if you hate the Lakers, cheer for them when they play the Heat.  I'm opposed to teams that spent hundreds of gazillions of dollars to buy a championship.  Why should any other team even bother to play?
• Start a campaign to demolish the BCS.
• Start a blog.  Seriously.  Just remember, whatever you say or post will irritate someone, somewhere in the world.
• Go back to school and get a Ph.D.
• Work crossword puzzles.
• Take up photography.  Flowers don't argue, they are neither Republican or Democrat, and they think the Tea Party happened long ago in Boston Harbor.   
• Go to Costco, WalMart, KMart, Sam's Club, or any big box store where they serve lots of free samples.  You'll never have to fix lunch again.  But make sure you get there after the sample persons have their wares out.  And don't let a family with 10 kids barge in before you.
• Read a book.  What a great idea!  (I originally said, innocently, "novel" idea.)

Just remember, all members of the House and one-third of the Senate and the President are already running for reelection in 012.  Thus, everything that happens in the next two years is calibrated to beating the "ins" and making them look silly, after which the "outs" will become "ins", whereupon the current "ins" will try to reverse the whole thing as they labor as "outs".  ("They's in and we's out," from The Pastures of Heaven, in response to query as to the difference between the party in power and the one not in power.  Political science in a nutshell!

 

 

The ABCs of Political Science, Economics, and Public Policy

For those who do not have a degree in political science or a Ph.d. in economics, here is a primer of the ABCs of political science, economics, and public policy.

1. The main essential point to understanding all this stuff is a line from the play "The Pastures of Heaven" in which, when asked "What is the difference between the two political parties?", was given this answer : "They's in and we's out."
2. There.  Now we can get started.  The main function of the outs, no matter which party, is to whine, make up stuff, criticize, blame, wring hands, and agonize.
3. The main activity of the outs is to seek to become ins once again.  No strategy is apparently out of bounds.
4. Among words we have recently heard, the ins are: Europeanizing America, turning America into a socialist or, worse, communist nation, spending the country into oblivion, eliminating the economic freedom of all of the Guernsey cows in Wisconsin, driving the country down the toilet, failing to be bipartisan and appreciate the value of voting no, and filibustering anything they don't like, which is just about everything.  Again, the function of these ingenious activities is to throw the ins out, and to become ins once more.
5. After the outs succeed in raising heck (this is a family blog) and convincing the electorate that all of the debt, all of the bad legislation, all of the problems of mankind, all of the wars and rumors of wars, all of the pending end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it concerns are the fault of the current ins, the outs now are inaugurated to their great glee.
6. Now, of course, the former ins are now outs, the the whole tide of history is now reversed.
7. Where does economics come into play here?  Well, it often doesn't, because politicians either don't understand a fig about economic analysis, or they recognize the fact that good economics isn't going to help the outs kick out the ins.
8. You think all this stuff is something new?  Go back and read about the glorious catfights our founding fathers had.  They did not call each other nice names, either.
9. However, just rejoice in the fact that our form of government allows for government of the people, by the people, and for the people, no matter who the people are, or how they behave, or what they think or how little they may know.
10. The Curmudgeonly Professor has observed politics, government, and economics since the Great Depression, and taught economics for 45 years, during which time he learned never to forecast anything longer than the next hour or so and never be surprised at what the ingenuity of man can invent.

The Curmudgeonly Professor's Incontrovertible Primer on Politics and Economics

If you are befuddled by the current Pandora's Box of shouting, yelling, name calling, blaming, cussing, anger, and general feelings of hopelessness, here are a few thoughts from the Curmudgeonly Professor to help unravel the mess:

1. Whatever is happening now is the fault of those who are in office now.  No matter that the "ins" have not been in long enough to fix bad stuff caused over past decades.  They should have it fixed overnight, no matter what.
2. The "outs" are always ticked off at the "ins" no matter whether the ins have any good ideas or positive legislation or not.
3. The main goal is to get reelected, the House every two years, one-third of the Senate every two years.  All strategies are keyed to staying in office so they can keep their perks and government health care insurance and not have to return to Chugwater WY and tend bar or run the pool hall.
4. At least 10,000 separate and selfish views must be dealt with and compromised before any bill can pass, which means reasonable and intelligent legislation, free of loopholes, kickbacks, goodies for the main street roundabout in Gooberville AL, will never be passed.  All that will be passed, if ever, is a weak facsimile of a bill that will have to be amended and fought over for another 200 years.
5. Everyone will be looking for each teeny, tiny flaw in any public figure and will exploit it to the max in the media, by email, Facebook, Twitter, and other miraculous means of spreading the dirt.
6. All spending is socialism, except spending deemed essential by an accusing Senator or Congressperson.
7. Good economics is usually poor politics.
8. Humpty Dumpty never had it so good.
9. The Mad Hatter's Tea Party is looking better every day.
10. Many people are perfectly willing to believe anything as long as it squares with their own beliefs.  What people think is happening is often more important than what is actually happening.
11. People who keep losing elections (whether elephantine or donkeyish) might consider putting up some better, stronger, more charismatic, and aggressive candidates.  Milktoasts don't exactly make attractive persons to vote for.  People need to have someone they want to vote for, no matter which side of the fence they are on.
12. Thank the Founding Fathers and our lucky stars that we have the system of government we have where anyone, no matter how informed or uninformed, can have his or her say and run for office and which ultimately settles things, more or less, and we move on to the next crisis. In the meantime, we might try to be a bit more civil, a bit more collegial, a bit more willing to put up stronger candidates for elections, and more willing to work for the common good rather than for our own selfish political and personal interests.

We will have a three-hour written examination on this subject on Friday.  Bring a blue book.

More from Temple Square in Salt Lake City: Photos of the Day July 8 2009

 

Our Tour of Thanksgiving Point Continues: Photos of the Day June 19 2009

Our tour of Thanksgiving Point gardens during tulip season is nearly over.  Then we must go back for the midsummer flowers.  But isn't it nice to still see the tulips long after they are gone?

 

Sculpture titled "Fish Tender" by James Christensen in St. George's Art Around the Corner

 

Utah is Number One (the Reddest State in the USA)

Utah ranks Number One among the list of reddest states in the country.  Approval ratings for President Bush still remained high at the end of his term.  Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Fox News and other conservative commentators find Utah a fertile land of adoring listeners and viewers.

However, perhaps one of the strongest indicators of bleeding red in Utah comes from an analysis of the GOP's role in Utah's just completed 2009 state legislative session, authored by Lee Davidson and Bob Bernick, Jr. in Salt Lake's Deseret News.  Read the story here.

Among the main points of the Davidson and Bernick article are the following:

• Republicans outnumber Democrats 74-30 in the state legislature.
• Republicans sponsored 10 of every 11 bills that passed both houses. 
• Republicans passed 71% of the bills they introduced; Democrats passed 32% of the bills they introduced. 
• Of legislators who passed 100% of the bills they introduced, 13 of 16 were Republicans. 
• Of legislators who failed to pass any bill, six of seven were Democrats. 
• House Democrats passed only 23 of the 453 bills that were passed by the full legislature. 

The authors of the article conclude that "[the Republicans] shellacked them [the Democrats] in almost every way . . ."

The Curmudgeonly Professor's Political Primer for March 24 2009

To assist those who are mentally challenged in re: current political hassles, the Curmudgeonly Professor is pleased to present a few guidelines, as follows:

• Avoid laughter in these dark and troubled times.  President Obama committed the unpardonable political sin of laughing for a couple of seconds on his 60 Minutes interview, thus stoking the media and the adversaries.  "What was he doing?" they said.  "Doesn't he know we are in troubled times" they opined.  "Can't he take his job seriously" they intoned.  No, no, they said.  "We must take on a funereal countenance and wear sack cloth and ashes, thus conveying the image to the world that we are deadly (no pun intended) serious about the fact that some opponents have received divine inspiration and know that the end of the world as we know it is imminent.  Question:  Is a smile acceptable?  Or does a smile portend laughter?  And what should we laugh for?  Other than to keep our sanity and our composure and our equilibrium while those around us are weeping and wailing.  Please, President Obama, laugh now and then, smile always, and give us a boost while we are down.  We need it.  And don't pay any attention to the detractors.
• Use the word "outrage" repeatedly, as many times as you can fit it into a sentence.  As in "I am outraged about this, and I am even more outraged about that."  And "I am so outraged that everyone didn't know in detail what everyone else in the world was doing and do something about it while I was twiddling my thumbs."  Etc.
• Make lists of people to blame for each and every hurdle the government, the Congress, and the people of our country are facing.  General rule:  Nothing is ever your fault.  Ever.  Never.  Never.  Everything is always someone else's fault, so seek them out, wag your finger at them, and tell them repeatedly how outraged they are at your total stupidity.
• Spend most of your time figuring out why current policy proposals won't work and use all of your energy and bloviating skills to make sure why such proposals won't pass, won't work, and why your as-yet-to-be-revealed magic program for success has not yet reached the light of day to bless the world.
• Don't be caught pitching in to lend your skills to solve problems, improve legislation, help those in need, or smooth out the bumpy road ahead.  Instead, throw rocks in the road, call people names, vote no--but never, never offer a detailed alternative proposal that might be considered.

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Utah County Republican Criticized by a Democrat

Last night my wife and I attended a presentation on birding in Brazil by Ned Hill, who was just released as Dean of the Marriott School of Business at BYU, and who was first my colleague and then my dean during my last years before I retired.  Ned has become a world-class birder who has traveled the world lecturing in his finance specialty areas and birding.  He has identified well over 2000 bird varieties.  He is also extremely proud of his three year old grandson who can identify birds.

I had a chance to visit with Ned and his wife Claralyn to catch up on life at the Marriott School. Ned has just been appointed to the board of Morgan Stanley, so spends time in New York at the board meetings.  He was also notified that he was a finalist for the presidency of Utah Valley University, or UVU.  UVU has recently converted from a state college to full university status, and started out years ago as a trade-tech school. UVU is on track, I would predict, to become the largest state university in Utah and perhaps one of the largest in the intermountain region.  BYU, its sister institution in Utah County, has an enrollment cap but draws students from all over the world even though Utah students still predominate.  With Utah's growing population, and with continued pressure from LDS kids around the country to come to Utah, UVU is a natural magnet for college students, including those who can't get into BYU for one reason or another.

Tragedy is, Claralyn ran for the Utah legislature as a Democrat from Utah County.  Of course, the odds were formidably stacked against her being elected since Utah County, like most of Utah outside Salt Lake County, is overwhelmingly Republican. Republicans have dominated both houses of the Utah Legislature for years.  Claralyn's misstep, as far as Ned's consideration for president of UVU was concerned, was to make legislative ethics a major campaign issue.  In Utah County, as in Utah generally, one does not criticize Republicans.  Thus, as Paul Rolly writes in this article from yesterday's Salt Lake Tribune,  the Hills were told they needed to "make amends" and "apologize . . . for questioning their ethics."  Rather than groveling at the Republican throne, Ned withdrew his candidacy.  Thus, UVU lost an opportunity to hire a brilliant administrator, a consummate fund raiser, and a peace maker as a leader.  I learned these same lessons decades ago when I worked for the Wyoming Legislature and dared criticize the Republican leadership.  My reward was that the most powerful member of the state Senate went after my hide and continued to do so as long as he lived, which was a long, long, time--even after I made sincere effort to make amends.  It's sad that some feel that those who disagree should be subject to humiliation and punishment in a country that espouses freedom of thought and speech.  Ironically, another former colleague in my department at BYU, who was previously president of Weber State, is now interim president of Dixie State College here in St. George.  So there you have it.

The Curmudgeonly Professor is Sick and Tired of "Joe the Plumber"

To show how desperate the Talking Bloviator business has been for topics of substance, a character who asked a question in a campaign rally has been elevated into a position of prominence as "Joe the Plumber." Next he will probably run for Congress or the U.S. Senate, since name recognition means everything. He may be even better known than Senator Barack Obama. Presumably, Joe the Plumber is a metaphor for the middle class, whatever that is, presumably somewhere between the lower class and the upper class, or the liberal eastern elite.

When I taught school, most of the students didn't really get too serious about studying economics, so big chunks of them ended up with C's. These students were in the middle class. They did not have good enough grades to go on to med school, dental school, law school, or even get admitted into the accounting program. Those who were dismal students got D's or E's, E being, for some arcane reason, a failing grade. What is the matter with calling an F an F? These students were in the lower class. The students who paid attention, read the book, came to class, and studied, got B's and the best got A's. These students were the upper class, or the elite. The elite were some times frowned down upon by the middle class C's and the lower class D's and E's, since everyone in those classes protested that they were just as smart as the upper class and only the unfair test, the ambiguous questions, the requirement that they read a couple of chapters in the textbook, the expectation of being able to do long division and read a graph, and their many hours invested in courtship kept them unfairly from getting an A.

Often, when some student unfairly got an A while another was cheated out of a high grade by egregious practices of the examination procedure and of the instructor, the comment would be made, "I know more about the material than so-and-so knows. I even tutored him for the exam."

Of course, class distinctions arise in virtually every phase of life. Are plumbers really in the middle class? Our heating and air conditioner guy finds something wrong every time he comes to inspect our furnace and air conditioner. The typical charge for fixing something wrong is usually either $79 or a multiple of $79, like $579. It cost $79 to replace a small strip of tin in the exhaust tubing. The tin probably cost 50 cents. I know, I know, a heater and air conditioner guy may or may not be a plumber, but the same principles apply.

We even have class distinctions within the field of economics. When I went to graduate school at Michigan, Michigan was regarded as a major outpost of Harvard Keynesian economics, or economics based on fiscal policy. In other words, economic stabilization would be attained by taxing, spending, budget deficits or surpluses, as the need arises. We thumbed our noses at monetary economists, who were University of Chicago types who believed economic muddles could be resolved by controlling the money supply through interest rates and other arcane methods. Monetary economists had found the truth and, appropriately, looked with disdain upon Keynesian economists. I was reputed to be the only Keynesian economist who had ever been hired at BYU. Monetary economists from Chicago were deemed to be more in tune with a less-government, more free enterprise type of economy and society by Brigham Young and his descendants.

As readers have grown weary of this discussion, we will have to pause here and continue this discussion another time. The topic of class names and distinctions is a mother lode of rich material which we will continue to exploit in further installments of this posting. Class is now dismissed. Your assignment is to observe how many class distinctions you can observe, identify, and classify before our next class period.

A Crisis of Leadership

While we are wringing our hands and weeping tears of exasperation, we seem to be focusing mainly on the financial crisis that has shaken the world. In reality, perhaps the real crisis is a crisis of leadership. We have no FDR with a soothing and tranquil voice to calm the worries and fears of the masses. We have no single leader or group of leaders in Congress, in the White House, in the Treasury, in the Federal Reserve, or in the nation who has sounded a clarion call for calm, order, or reasonableness with enough force or charisma that invokes the "follow me" mantle of an effective leader. Everything we have heard so far has fallen on enough tin ears to ruin the chances of coalition. The White House has provided only a hollow echo of leadership. The leaders of the House and Senate, despite unparalleled pressure and sincere attempts to unravel the Gordian Knot of financial collapse, have not mustered enough followers to go anywhere, yet. A feeble attempt or two to parrot the "Mission Accomplished" banner of the early Iraq conflict and make us believe that an agreement had been reached, that a coalition had been led, fizzled as soon as such words were pronounced.

Meanwhile, we are focusing on the qualifications of candidates for the highest office in the land, with attention on Saturday Night Live parodies diverting us momentarily from the tragic pains of market failures. We are focusing on the "who said, when did they say it, when did they do it" style of campaigning that has ceased to be entertaining and has become more like the seven-hour root canal I had last year--painful and never ending.

Somehow, a solution will be found to all this mess. Democracy works in a muddled and troubled fashion. By giving everyone the opportunity to express their views and cast their vote however they feel like doing so, the engine of democracy rarely runs smoothly. All too often a call to action never seriously materializes until we send forth the lifeboats and throw out the lifesavers. Then, some one, somehow, in some way will find the magic key to enough unity to send us once more on our way. We cannot tell quite yet who that leader or innovator will be. But our love of country and of our system of government will once more trump the jangling and the wrangling. Perhaps few will be happy with the ultimate solution. But we can all cheer once more for the Founding Fathers who gave us birth and who still give us hope for the future.

Whiskers on Kittens and Lipstick on Pigs: Getting Down to the Real Substance of the Presidential Campaign

We potential voters are truly inspired today over the bickering about the "lipstick on pigs" squabble, a term used in recent times by both Presidential aspirants. Arguing about lipstick on pigs and what the phrase meant and who or what it is or was aimed at is a useful and entertaining diversion since it saves us the trouble of worrying about education, Iraq, veterans' care, health insurance, global warming, energy independence, and other issues that seem to be relegated to the back burner while we go through the "he said", "she said" game.

I was also struck by the phrase used by one political strategist this morning who, when asked about the outright distortions and misrepresentations that have continued to be used even when called to public attention, replied this way: "There is a larger truth out there." In other words, the deliberate distortions don't matter because they are protected by a "larger truth." The larger truth, apparently has to do with one side of the campaign having a jolly good time feeding their line to crowds of people. I remember hearing the statement once that "what people want to think is happening is a lot more important than the truth of what is actually happening."

Meanwhile, the campaign rolls along, inventing new twists and turns hourly to keep the media and their audiences alternately entertained, inspired, or outraged. After the November election, we will all have to find another form of entertainment.

The Curmudgeonly Professor Considers the Music Man and the Wizard of Oz Illusions in Presidential Elections

The Curmudgeonly Professor has been impressed with how often the Presidential primary and final election campaigns have caused him to wonder if Presidential campaigns are not modeled either on Professor Harold Hill of the Music Man, or the Wizard of Oz and the Yellow Brick Road.

We all love Professor Harold Hill, that charming rascal who sweeps the lovely Marian the Librarian off her feet and peddles what initially appear to be imaginary band instruments to the River City youngsters while railing on the evils of the town pool hall. Miraculously, the band instruments show up and, even more miraculously, the youngsters with one toot on the trumpet or one squawk on the saxophone become professional caliber musicians in beautiful band uniforms as the band marches impressively through River City. Apparently everyone lives happily ever after even though Harold Hill was a grade A fraud, skillfully representing himself as someone he was not.

Then there is the Wizard of Oz. The Yellow Brick Road could be considered a parable of campaign promises which, in true political tradition, include every want and wish of each and every last citizen in America and on the isles of the sea. Regrettably, once Dorothy and her troupe reach the Wizard, it turns out that he also is a gigantic fraud, a tinhorn.

While we're at it, we could throw in the Joe Pesci role in "My Cousin Vinny." Pesci also plays a lovable rascal who misrepresents his identity as an attorney in defending his nephew and his friend in a southern court against a false accusation of murder. Although attorney "Gambini" wins the case, thanks in large part to his charming, lovely, and sassy girl friend, he was skating on thin ice throughout the movie until he hastily left the court house after winning the case.

And, of course, there was the Emperor who presumed to be wearing an elegant set of clothes who also was a huge fraud since all he had on was his birthday suit.

So a lot of precedents exist for tooting our own horn, blowing up our resumes, misrepresenting our past deeds and over inflating our future intentions. Much wasted effort takes place in Presidential campaigns trying to figure out whether claims of past accomplishments and actions are valid and accurate, and more effort is spent attempting to assess the odds that ten percent of the campaign promises will ever be delivered. Actually, it would be a refreshing change if campaigners would knock off the dissembling, the stretching of the truth, the deliberate misrepresentation of their own past accomplishments and the distortions of what the other candidate has done or believes. Sadly, too many campaigns turn on a clever phrase, on an inadvertent slip of the tongue, or on a totally irrelevant but completely effective twist of events. Objective facts and supportable evidence apparently are deemed ineffective tools in winning elections. Too many Harold Hills, Wizards of Oz, and attorney Gambinis embroider too much information. And too many voters don't spend enough time ferreting out the truth since they have their minds made up anyway and could care less about the facts. Democracy in action.

The Curmudgeonly Professor Evaluates the Pledge to Veto All Pork-Barrel Spending

John McCain pulled a pen out of his pocket this morning and vowed to veto all pork-barrel spending bills in his administration. He is not the first candidate or incumbent to vow to get rid of pork in government spending. According to the dictionary, pork barrel spending is "spending for political reasons and not for public benefit." Pork is the contents of the pork barrel, said contents being aimed primarily at getting enough local spending so Congress persons and Senators can prove they have done something besides attend lobbyist stand-up social affairs and take foreign fact-finding tours during their term of office. The main question asked of incumbents running for reelection is "What have you done for Big Timber Montana, or Hurricane Utah?" Without a bit of pork, proving that progress has been made may be a bit more difficult.

However, the question of the day is this: If we line up several thousand pork barrels and view them in the halls of Congress, then how do we classify the pork? One legislator's essential expenditures are viewed by another legislator as pure pork. Moreover, which spending bills are viewed as pork by Congress but merely are filled with goodies promised by the President-elect during his or her campaign?

Then the problem of controlling pork involves classifying pork. Having majored in agriculture, been a member of the Future Farmers of America, raised hogs myself, and participated in butchering hogs, and consumed my share of pork, I know quite a bit about pork. First we have high-class pork cuts like pork chops and loin roasts. Then we have hams. Then we have big slabs of fatty pork sides which we doctor up with tons of salt and preservatives and call it bacon. Then we have hog livers and other innards.

In considering government pork, we may develop a classification system such as the following: Really, really rancid pork, or spending that wafts an odious breeze over the chambers of Congress since these pork proposals are so outlandishly creative. Then we might have the finest honey and hickory baked hams that are so sweet and tasty that we can convince other legislators and the Commander in Chief that these hams are really not pork, and to prove our argument, we might pass a few tasty hams around or serve them at standup lobbyist retreats. Liver might be next on the list, which often is viewed in a pejorative sense or as "chopped liver." Only a few people claim they can stand liver, I being one of them. Spending viewed derisively as chopped liver may have a difficult time of surviving.

Thus, we need a pork barrel classification process. To accomplish this, we will need numerous spin masters, armies of lobbyists, accountants, lawyers, and residents of communities who have been waiting decades for their pork. An entire new industry will grow around the promise to veto all pork barrel spending since the definition of a pork barrel spending bill can be quite ethereal, judgmental, biased, and a function of which political party proposed the spending bill.

To do away with pork barrel spending just sounds a bit unpatriotic and un-American. How else are the goodies going to be passed around coming from Washington? To break suddenly with a time-honored tradition will jeopardize the reelection of Congresspersons and Senators who now have nothing to show for their years in Congress. State and local governments will have to raise taxes to build tramways to the tops of mountains. Unemployment will rise, as contractors for government spending projects will go broke. Welfare and unemployment costs will escalate. Government hearings over defining pork barrel projects will take up most of the time and energy of members of Congress. The demand for lobbyists will escalate, and lobbying will be the number one growth industry in the U. S. of A.

The consultant industry will also boom, as will the spin-master profession. We all know that when something becomes forbidden, clever people find back doors and loopholes, just like the flu virus finds different ways of attacking us after they figure out how to evade the flu vaccine of the year and the rum runners defied Prohibition. Linguists will be in high demand, as they invent new and technical terms that replace old terms that formerly were pork barrel terms. "A rose by any other name . . ." The demand for ball-point pens will rise, as the President-elect spends hours a day vetoing pork barrel bills. Half the government buildings can be emptied since thousands of government agencies will no longer be needed to fund and administer government pork barrel projects. Civil service veterans will be selling apples on the streets.

What we have here is the Law of Unintended Consequences. Actually, Washington hasn't been all that broke. Washington has functioned exceptionally efficiently in passing out the goodies. With no goodies to pass out, GNP will fall. We will long for the good old days, mourning the loss of the pork barrel. Oh well. Stuff is cyclical. Pork will creep slowly back in under other disguises and names and soon we will be back to normal. Don't get too excited, yet.