Other than being elected sophomore class president at Powell High School in Powell WY 100 years ago, the only other elected office I ever sought was when I ran for the school board in Laramie WY and got soundly, severely, defeated. But just in case I do decide to run for an important political office, here is my well-thought-out platform and array of political promises:
- I will balance the budget. Boy howdy, this old chestnut has gotten zillions of people elected but has only happened maybe a couple of times and then only because the economy was in an up-cycle and the interim president didn't declare any wars.
- I will throw the bums out of Washington. Bums being members of the opposite political party.
- No more earmarks. Line up your sacred cows and shoo them off the streets, they will have to find a new grazing pasture. But I'll figure out how to get a new bridge for Podunk County some way or other, you can count on it, so you won't have to wade the river any longer to get to work.
- We will pass new ethics legislation to keep corruption out of Washington. Just like Noah finally found dry land and then when people repopulated the earth, did they all then behave themselves because they didn't get drowned?
- We will have full employment two weeks after the election.
- We will reduce the deficit with a new set of ingenious accounting rules.
- We will cut spending on everyone else's boondoggle pet projects but up the ante on our own more important stuff.
- Free iPads for everyone.
- No more required economics classes. We all know economics is boring with a bunch of charts and graphs and equations and that nobody pays any attention to economists anyway.
This agenda is only the beginning. Balance the budget, cut spending, stop corruption, stop inflation, jobs for everyone, cut the deficit, better roads, better airports, better police protection, better health care, better schools, filet mignon for everyone. How can anyone vote against me? Oh phooey, I just woke up from my long nap and interrupted my euphoric dream . . . .