The world is populated by three classes of people:
- Pollyanna types who are just so sweet, cutesy, and who smile all the time, thus brightening up the world for everyone with whom they meet or with whom they come in contact.
- Cipher types who are bland, boring, loners, recluses, hermits, and wall flowers. Some cipher types may become professors of economics, others are busy inventing stuff in their garages and piling up lists of patents. Meeting a cipher type is like communing with a cement-block wall. These types never get chosen for Dancing with the Stars or Jeapordy. Some run for Congress.
- Grouches make up approximately 80% of the people in the world. Most people are continually ticked off at everyone else with gripe lists miles long. Drivers all have road rage and can't stand to drive behind anyone else, thus having contests to get in front of any driver in front of them so they can be one car ahead of them when they come to the next stop light. Grouches scowl, frown, and act nasty a good part of the time.
Here are ten advantages of being a grouch:
- You never have to learn how to smile or be pleasant to people, thus inviting other people to smile back and ruin your grouchy disposition.
- You can blame others for misplacing the TV remote.
- You don't have to worry about other people bothering to speak to you, thus simplifying your life because you rarely have to carry on a conversation.
- If you have a managerial position, you can keep all of your employees chronically irritated, thus minimizing the chance they will come in to your office and bother you unless they come in to quit.
- You don't have to waste time on books like "The Power of Positive Thinking."
- You can minimize your travel time by car by slicing across 4 lanes at a time, cutting off people, making crude gestures, honking your horn if someone in front waits a nanosecond too long to suit you, tailgating people you think are morons, passing on the double yellow line, running the red light, running stop signs, and other methods of demonstrating your grouchiness on the streets and highways.
- You can put a nasty message on your telephone answering machine, advising people not to bother to call you any more because you don't want to talk to them.
- You can tell your wife her new dress looks awful. See you in court.
- You can practice your creative grouchiness by speaking loudly to obnoxious TV ads, cable news bloviators, and other TV programs, thus making you feel better for having informed everyone of their defects, flaws, errors in thinking, and general stupidity.
- You don't have to worry about having a nice dinner ready for you when you come home from wherever you hung out during the day, since your spouse knows you wouldn't like it anyway.
We have just begun to consider the advantages of being a grouch. The other day I was waiting at Kohl's Department Store for my wife. Again. When two cute teenage girls came bouncing in the store, and both said "Hi" with big smiles on their faces. Imagine that. That experience was almost enough to cause me to go through a 12-step recovery program to stop being a grouch. Maybe something like that is all it takes to stop being a dork and smile back.