Yesterday's informative and authoritative tutorial on preparing pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving dinner was so successful, that the Professor has decided to augment that tutorial with a tutorial for preparing a complete Thanksgiving dinner. In fact, an on-line food blog picked up and reproduced my pumpkin pie epic piece! We're not yet as famous as Pioneer Woman and Rachel Ray, but we're getting there.
The first step in making decisions about Thanksgiving Dinner is deciding where to have it or if you should go out to eat. Eating with relatives, depending on the relatives, can some times be problematical, if you know what I mean. If you eat Thanksgiving dinner away from home, then you are left with a major dilemma: No leftovers! So then, do you cook your own turkey and trimmings the next day so you can eat turkey leftovers for three weeks?
Assuming you have decided to cook your own Thanksgiving dinner, here is all the information you need. Pinterest and the food blogs have 9,000 tips for your Thanksgiving dinner, but we will simplify all that complicated stuff.
First step: Make mashed potatoes.
How to make mashed potatoes:
- Either grow your own spuds or go to the grocery store and buy some. Remember how much hard work all those Idaho potato farmers went to so you could have some mashed potatoes. They probably didn't make all that money. Then think of all the other truckers, wholesalers, retailers, etc., etc., who were responsible for you being able to buy a bag of spuds for 99 cents.
- Get a potato peeler.
- Peel the potatoes.
- Boil the potatoes in a big pot until they are soft.
- Dump in sour cream, cream cheese, half and half, milk, or whatever you think will load up an ordinary potato until it reaches 2,500 calories but tastes really, really good.
- Get out your little hand mixer and whip them up. Or get out your big monster Bosch and do the same thing.
Mashed potatoes are done. Now we move on to green bean casserole and marshmallow smothered yams:
How to make green bean casserole:
- See the left side of the photo above.
- Dump green beans in a baking dish.
- Pour cream of mushroom soup over it.
- Add the greasy French-fried expensive onions.
- Add whatever else you find necessary.
- Bake for awhile.
- See the right side of the photo above.
- Go to the store and either buy some yams and spend a half hour peeling the miserable things or let Bruce do it and buy a can of Bruce's yams, the preferred method.
- Smother with brown sugar and marshmallows to up the calorie count.
- Bake until marshmallows are all melty
- The Fritos are not an ingredient. They are included in case you get hungry during your arduous dinner preparation labors.
Now the turkey:
The modern way to prepare a turkey seems to be to soak it in brine so it will be extra juicy and you can brag about your juicy turkey to your less fortunate brethren and sisters who munched on a dry and tasteless bird. However, here is how we roast our turkey:
- Get a free 18 pound turkey for buying $100 worth of groceries at Albertson's.
- Begin thawing four or five days before Thanksgiving.
- Get out the same blue enamel roasting pan you have used for 50 years.
- Stick the turkey carcass in the sink and retrieve all the scrawny neck and innard pieces. Do not ever throw away the liver. A roasted turkey liver is the best part of an 18 pound bird.
- Put the turkey in a roasting bag.
- Put the turkey in the roasting bag in the blue enamel roasting pan and stick in the oven.
- Do not rely on the popout thermometer which may mean your turkey is too dry. Rely on a good thermometer you stick in the thickest part of the breast or somewhere close.
- Put the stuffing in if you stuff the turkey.
- Baste it with whatever you use to baste it with.
- Wait a few hours and take it out of the oven, and you have roasted your turkey.
I forgot to mention the dressing. Here's how we make it.
- Melt a cube of butter.
- dump in a bunch of chopped onion and celery and stir around until soft.
- dump in a bunch of dry bread pieces.
- dump in some more chicken broth.
- add chicken spice, sage, whatever you want it to taste like.
- stick some of it in the turkey cavity, roast the rest in a baking pan.
Since you made your pies yesterday, your dinner is now complete. Just open a couple of cans of Ocean Spray cranberry sauce, make some gravy, and sit down and eat. The Curmudgeonly Professor hopes that this authoritative and easy tutorial has enhanced your ability to make a foolproof and wonderful Thanksgiving dinner! I am not responsible for any errors.